i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
