guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
