i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
