If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
