saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Randomize