My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
