Princesses don't give blow jobs
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Randomize
