I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
