I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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