I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
only if we run a train.
done.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
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