Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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