My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
