If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
