Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i love accidental penises.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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