I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
