best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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