somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Randomize
