I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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