4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
