I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
