so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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