you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
