My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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