The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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