I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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