I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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