I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
