I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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