dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
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