i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Randomize
