Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
