Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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