the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
