guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Randomize
