I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
