one word: firstdatebathroomanal
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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