I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
