Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
