i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
