apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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