my mouth tastes like poor choices
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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