at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
