I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
