I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
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