i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
how does that bad decision feel?
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