Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize