3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i permit you to call me
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
