Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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