omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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