Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
you inspire me to be a worse person
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
false alarm, still single
Randomize
