i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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