Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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