a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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