Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
