just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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