If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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