Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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