I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
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